Grief knows no end. It is a complex and often overwhelming emotion that leads us on an unending earthly journey. 

One morning, before the sun rose early in October, I was in bed thinking about my grandmother. I thought about how much she would have loved my husband and how excited she would be for her great-grandson. I could see her smile; her joy was palpable. I was right there with her, but I wasn’t. I longed for renewal and a reversal of this loss. 

It hurt knowing that the limitations of this life would not allow me to make the beauty of my imagination a reality. I was angry that death created a separation of this life and the next. I wanted her here – to share in the experiences I’d been blessed with. It’s often the sweet moments that I miss her the most…when the sun is shining and warms my face, in the same way her love warmed my heart. Her presence held me together in ways I didn’t understand until she was gone. 

I learned a lot from her passing. I learned that grief isn’t something you ever completely let go of. I’ve carried it with me for over 13 years, knowing it’s both a burden and a blessing. Grief runs deep because love does too. Where there is the weight of loss, there are also mementos of love. There are gifts tied to the grief we carry. I had to remember that truth on December 31, 2023, when the weight of grief felt unbearable. I experienced a loss like I never thought possible…I lost my four-year-old niece. 

Death is cruel – it is an uncontrollable event that changes the course of our lives forever. Everything changes, yet nothing changes at all. When we lose someone we deeply love, it feels like our hearts don’t beat the same anymore, yet we still have life to live. Responsibilities seem irrelevant, but they don’t go away. Time isn’t of the essence, but it doesn’t stop. Mourning is complicated and heavy, but it doesn’t mean we can’t live with joy. There are just days when that joy seems tainted. There are days when we must remind ourselves that it‘s okay to be happy, and other days when we should permit ourselves not to be okay. There are days when we have to tell ourselves that moving forward doesn’t mean we are leaving the ones we love behind, and there are other days when there is little to no movement, and the best thing we can do is to be still. There are days when the loss feels unreal and other days when it feels more real than anything else. 

In those days, here is what gets me through…

Knowing in both the ups and downs, God is there. He is no stranger to the wave of emotions we feel. 

When we are angry because our loved ones aren’t here with us to share moments and when we are smiling from the memories we had…God is there, and He understands. 

When we need encouragement because it’s been a hard day, and when we’re offering encouragement because we’ve traveled a similar road…God is there, and He understands. 

We can live with grief AND have joy because we know it won’t be like this forever… that’s the hope we hold on to. 

Grief knows no end in this life, but love goes beyond our earthly life. In both her life and her death, my niece taught me the beauty of loving with no restraints and the impact that kind of love can have. While the beauty of her life made the weight of her loss heavier to carry, it allowed me and so many others to experience a love like no other. While I embrace the tension of sorrow and joy, I’m learning to move through life like she did, finding good in all circumstances and letting that fuel my love for others. Some never get to experience grief in the way I have because they’ve never known a love like I’ve learned.

While I wait for a day when God will wipe every tear from my eyes and when there will be no more death, mourning, crying, or pain when the old order of things has passed away… I’ll live through the tension of joy and sorrow knowing it won’t always be like this but while it still is I know….God is right here, and He understands.